Do you suppress or alchemise?
“The woman who is here to work with her 'inner witch' is here to experience the darkness of being a human fully in form, and she's here to play there, making gold from it - because she's a manifestor here on earth.”
~ Nicole Barton
FOR THE MAGICAL WOMEN WHO SUPPRESS THEMSELVES
There's an absolute rage bubbling from an experience I created yesterday, and I can feel a big angry NO in my belly to our humanness being denied. I witness within myself that more fire is wanting to be expressed - and in my dream state, this morning when I woke, I saw clearly that this level of dark emotion is something that not all my women will allow themselves space to be with. Instead they will shame their feelings, and shove them down. (Though, unfortunately, this Scorpio moon isn't one that'll let that slide, either!)
Often my women (who are born as deeply sensitive, open and magical Phosphoric constitutions) shut down their capacity to feel in #alltheways. They will usually learn as children that their emotions aren't welcome, and begin to suppress them, having them drive inwards, creating burn out and maybe even illness in the body. I witnessed, just yesterday, the link between my endometriosis as a young adult and the rawness of being vulnerable, which I'm seeing more and more about (and, in particular, my magical women will often suffer with their Feminine cycles, btw it is a symptom of being a 'Secret Witch' who suppresses herself).
I've been experiencing more in the way of feeling 'outcast' for my penchant for the humanness and the darkness over the light, which is really helping me own my gift of being a Witch (who gobbles up the darkness for alchemy of gold to become her full expression of who she really is). You see, some magical Archetypes - like the Priestess, for example - they are here to shine their light. And that's so needed in the world - if you're here to be a Priestess. *And* it doesn't make that archetype 'better' than the Witch - who has literally been born here to discover her deep gifts in alchemy of the dark. It can just look and feel less appetising, when you're called there.
And this is the thing: the woman who is here to work with her 'inner witch' is here to experience the darkness of being a human fully in form, and she's here to play there, making gold from it - because she's a manifestor here on earth. (And if that's who you are, there's no avoiding it, sorry).
This means that if a Witch suppresses her emotions - whether by ignoring them and distracting herself with the mundane, or by innocently ascending and trying to be a spiritual Priestess when she isn't here for that (and trust me, I've tried both!) - it won't be a good outcome. Whilst ascending to the light can be serving (and feel like a relief!) for many others, for the woman who needs to work with healing her inner witch, her darkness begins to express in undesirable ways. Because that coiled up, suppressed energy has to go somewhere - and usually it goes to creating health challenges or emotional explosions when she just can't hold it in anymore. (That's true for all of us, actually - the Priestess I gave as an example still alchemise darkness - but for the Witch it's even more extreme and necessary.)
That can be hard to face for my women, and it is the main reason my magical women often then suppress their magic and fire, too - because of the fear of expressing their fullness (if they suppress their dark, they are naturally suppressing all of themselves, including their magic). There is a light and a gold to be mined in that process - it just requires going into the darkness to be able to discover it and create anew.
I realised, as I woke this morning, that there was a great need for me to be with that, and I began some self-healing work, connecting to my guides (another thing the Secret Witch can shut out and disconnect from). And as I did, I remembered that my Granny had always created a loving space for me to express myself fully. I realise now, that whilst there may have been some element of innocent rescuing in this offering, what she provided to me in this was a deeply rare gift she passed on to me as a Witch. I'm realising that the capacity to be with someone's darkness, fully, and love them in it all, unconditionally, is a deep privilege to have experienced. I'm so grateful to her for modelling this to me, so that I can live that gift now for myself and others.
A woman who is aligned with our Archetypal Apothecary self-healing path, is likely to be one of those souls who suppresses her magic - but she may not even know she's doing that.
She may, instead, be able to identify with the fact she is suppressing:
her emotions - her sacred rage (which she pushed down and shames, rather than seeing as sacred)
her sadness or grief (that she distracts from with work, social media or wine and chocolate)
her sense of isolation (which she closes her heart to, feeling misunderstood),
her overwhelm (if she's distracting, she's overloaded with things to do).
On the other hand, she may also swing to the opposite end of shadow expression and become a bit of a rebel - spraying rage and emotion, everywhere like a firehose (yep I've been there, too!)
These are the 'symptoms' of a Secret Witch who is hiding her full expression - she will hide all of these dark things that feel 'too much' (in fact she might even describe herself as 'too much'), as well as hiding her magic. Because the two go hand in hand: for a Witch especially, it's a challenge to truly find your gold without healing and loving your darkness.
A few days ago I dosed the spirit of the Archetypal Apothecary Remedy, 'Scorpion', in our Secret Witch Circle live ritual. And Scorpion isn't a remedy to be messed with. It is a remedy for this intense moon that would bring some alchemy with it - natürlich ('naturally' - God only knows why this came out in German, that bizarrely happens to my Mum from time to time but not usually to me - though I did once say to my Soul Guide that I often feel like I'm Hahnemann's - the Father of Homeopathy - soul reincarnated). I digress (Secret Witches are good at that when they are feeling raw).
And so, at 6am here - I woke early, under this Scorpio moon, and in the run up to the dark portal of Samhain - and I slipped downstairs, and felt a deep call to honour the darkness I was feeling. I lit some candles keeping the mood low, and I'm in the bath, soothing my body and nervous system - which feels tense, tight and raw - with rose oil, and a nervous system tonic.
And I'm courageously *being* with my triggered little girl's emotional wounds, loving myself in them, allowing them to be felt and seen. I'm holding the space - that my Granny showed me how to - for myself. I'm loving my wounded little girl in her pain.
Ultimately, I'm being the full expression of Witch - which is activating medicine for those who need it.
And I'm sharing because it really is possible for us all to do that - and it is important you know that you can heal yourself (because often the Witch forgets that's what she's here for, and outsources that to others). Self-healing and the return to the fullness of their souls (rather than 'self-help' - because you aren't broken) is what I guide women into so they can reclaim their magic and their full expression.
The invitation I make to you - if you are a secret magical one who is suppressing her full self - is to be with the truth that is surfacing to be loved, allowing it to express, and feeling it fully. I promise there is healing alchemy here that will lead to more gold - and help you discover your magic and purpose.
If you'd like me to support you in that, the next available space is opening for 1:1 in December and I'm now open for Alchemy Calls for the waiting list. If you want to explore whether our journey to magic is for you, link is in the comments to book your call.
And in the meantime, I wrap you in deep love, witchy ones.
Are you ready to love and heal yourself?
if you've any questions, send me an email.
Nicole x
