I spent a good chunk of my lifetime contorting myself into boxes
“I didn't know it then, but this was my body calling me to listen - to hear something important of my soul.”
~ Nicole Barton
I spent a good chunk of my lifetime contorting myself into boxes - trying to fit in and be 'acceptable' to the world, putting on a mask of 'perfection,' and particularly ignoring my sensitive needs in case I was seen as 'too much'. My deepest fear was abandonment, after my dad left, age 4, and I did everything I could to stop that happening again (including denying my healing gifts for a long time after I was called).
And that trying so hard to be 'loved' had me, on several occasions, burn out, into complete exhaustion, with mysterious womb symptoms, tension, and tightness in my body, deep anxiety and overwhelm.
I didn't know it then, but this was my body calling me to listen - to hear something important of my soul.
I didn't realise, at the time, that this was a deeper 'people-pleasing' wound of mine - an (innocent) tender young seeking of external 'approval' so I could stay 'safe and in control'.
I didn't realise that it was something that would take years to unpack, because it was so ingrained in me that I didn't even know what my heart desired.
I was thinking about this, this afternoon, as I realised just how much I've stripped away of this wound through the work of soul reclamation.
My Love and I received a beautiful reflection on our parenting this week about how we don't just go with the grain (we're considering alternative schooling options for Lily, including delaying her start) - and it felt good to reflect on how liberated I am now, around showing up as my true, magical, sovereign (and often described by others as 'alternative') self - unapologetically. Regardless of what the world thinks.
That's not to say I've fully healed this wound - it's the wound of my lifetime. I could easily show more of my goofball side, my vulnerability and my deeply loving heart that cries at everything, and the times I am not 'perfect' - and that's something I'm devoted to opening to, every day. Especially given in my Gene Keys, the highest expression of my medicine is being my natural truth (I was literally born here to awaken people to self-expression, which means it's also my core wound).
That means I'm devoted to loving the little girl in me who fears she's not going to be 'perfect enough' at her live events, or that she won't be 'enough' if she shows who she really is.
But learning how to meet my young self in this wound - and coming to love my magical 'healer' side, and the part of me that can choose 'alternative' options - regardless of what others in the mundane world choose - is something I've worked deeply on.
And I'll be honest, it's saved my life, which moves me to tears thinking about it.
Because *suppression* of our souls is often far more life-threatening than we think. It depletes our vital force - our life-force energy.
It feels a little edgy to share (because of how radical this view of health is) - but I was once taught in homeopathy that there's a level of suppression which leads to serious physical manifestation of ill health - and I was as deep as I could have gotten in my exhaustion before I'd have manifested something that could have been life-threatening.
Thankfully, I chose to listen to my body just at the right time, and followed the nudges to heal my self-suppression and become a healer.
Because HEALTH is the full EXPRESSION of our soul. And anytime we deny that, we are denying health and our wholeness.
That's the heartbreaking truth of it, and it's the WHY of the work I do.
Every piece of our fragmented souls that we reclaim by loving ourselves (instead of seeking love externally), we are reclaiming our health - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
So, each time I've diverged away from the path of soul and suppressed myself - each time I've put on a mask, or pretended to be shiny and perfect, each time I've said Yes when I meant No, each time I've pushed myself just a bit too far - I've denied my full health.
And that's not what we're taught about health (I told you I was alternative).
We're taught, culturally, to just 'fix what's broken' and carry on - rather than learn to express full health and soul.
I know it to be true in my bones that expression = health. I feel the impact of suppression - and the alchemy of expression - in my cells.
If you're resonating (or resisting), then my invitation to you is to contemplate: where are you suppressing your self, your truth, your soul? And where is your body calling you - with symptoms or sensations (that you've likely been ignoring too) - to awaken to that?
I'm wrapping you in love, if you're just beginning to open to notice this - and I'm here, if you're ready to take the tender first steps in discovering your true power to stop suppressing and heal your life.
All of you is welcome in my space, I know how much fear can come up, and I'm here to hold you as you go gently.
All my love,
if you've any questions, send me an email.
Nicole x
